I received this in an email, thought you'd find it funny also.
To My Dearest Wife,
~~~~~~~
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times which is an average of only once every 10 days.
The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times,
It's too late - 15 times, I'm too tired - 42 times,
It's too early - 12 times, It's too hot - 18 times,
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times,
The neighbors will hear - 9 times,
Headache or backache - 26 times,
Sunburn - 10 times,
Your mother will hear us - 9 times,
Not in the mood - 21 times,
Watching the late show - 17 times,
Too sore - 26 times,
New hairdo - 6 times,
Wrong time of the month - 14 times,
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times.
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying
because 6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid
that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.
Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dearest Husband,
~~~~~~~
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons
you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat- 23 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat- 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet.
You seem to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you.
I wasn't talking about the cracks in the ceiling. What I said was
"Would you like me on my back or kneeling?"
The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted
and I was fighting for air.
Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings".
Love, Your Wife